Realm of Chaos

I have decided after many years of trying to hard to keep my family together that I am going try and move on. I have decided it is better to have my kids be with one stable parent than two that aren't happy. Until I know what will happen I can only wish for the best.

Annoyed, frustrated, sick, tired, and a whole lot of other adjectives that I can't put into words. Maybe I will find comfort in my other realm? These are the thoughts I was having when i went to bed last night. Now I will tell you why, not that any of you care but here goes.

Annoyed- I am annoyed with myself because I continue to get used like a .5 Hooker. Figuretively not litteraly.

Frustrated- I am frustrated because no matter how much i care it isn't enough. If I don't do anything it isn't enough. If I bitch it's too much. So what I need to know is where the fuck is the balance?

Sick- I am sick of being sick. If I have to throw up one more time it will be one more time too much. And honestly I can't take it anymore.

Tired- Well tired pulls into the whole sick thing. I am forever tired and well that just sucks. I need to shave my flipping legs but I'm too tired to do it. I need to have a break but yeah right.

Here's why this all came about. Last night I waiting well at least an hour for paul to show up with money so we could eat. Could I have made dinner, yes but who wants to when they have been puking for oh i don't know something like 5 days off and on? So I didn't want to, I didn't even want to drive but I did. I had to borrow money from my son. (how pathetic is that?) Well anyway I never got a phone call or anything telling me he wasn't coming. Finally I just got sick of waiting and left.
After class at around oh 10 he comes by to throw the money on my bed and grab my suitcase. I was telling him I think it is rude to come into my house and take shit without asking. it is bad enough he took my Nike duffle bag without asking me for it. His excuse "its just sitting there why shouldn't I use either?" Totally not the point. He also said he forgot i was waiting on the money from him (yeah ok sure). Then his phone rings and he went outside to answer it. But left my door open, hi its like 101 in the night time I don't need my fucking door open thanks. I told him I thought it was rude to talk on the phone to some bitch in front of me too. Oh well that person was going to sleep, well so was I but that didn't stop him from busting in here.
Finally I got mad when he left and told him he annoys me. It annoys me that I can't get a break from my child for more than I don't know a few hours. His social life is more important and to me that doesn't cut it. So I told him not to bother to come get booties because I am sure he is going to be too busy for his son. Since you know he always is.
I guess I need a break. I realize most women don't get one and have more kids than I do. But I have also realized not everyone is sick all the time, and most have some help. I get a few hours here and there. but what I need is a vacation. Someone HELP?

I want a vacation. I need a vacation. I have not had one since my booties was like 9 months. that was a year and a half ago. Course I would need money and all that and since I have none of that then well I guess I am fucked.

I really want the bullshit to stop. I spent most of my afternoon folding clothes that don't belong to me in a room that doesn't belong to me, all the while being upset. I don't know when the pain of everything will actually go away? I wish it would, hell sometimes I wish I had the money to move but I know that I am not strong enough for that again. I would give up my daycare, home, and friends yet again. I can't do it.
my son shit on my floor today. I didn't catch him having to go potty quick enough, hell I didn't understand him and since it was dusk I couldn't see either. He has now dumped a handfull or two of fruity pebbles all over my floor. So now I have to clean those up.
I think the only thing I am looking forward to is ER tonight. Oh well my life is full of tv and internet. What a life I live.

Ok so I have realized that no matter what I do it will never be enough. I can't please anyone these days. I can't get it right at work because the invester is a DICK with a capital D. I do damn near everything my mother asks of me, i.e. not yell or spank booties in front of my grandparents because they don't like it. And I do other things as well that she asks me. But it isn't enough. I don't even know where I stand with my ex-husband. As much as i love him i hate him sometimes too.
With all this shit that has been going on he has been really supportive to me. And the sad thing, I have people online that I have never met that care more about me then some of my family. I guess thats when you know you have real friend?

Well I am updated my profile and now I am going to attempt this.